So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I think i peed on brittanys purse
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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