A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
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