it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
