trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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