My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Randomize
