thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I need a beard to bite.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize
