dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
