weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
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