i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Randomize
