mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
