Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
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