I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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