My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
