R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
