Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
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