it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
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