Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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