I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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