Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Pants 0. Shit 1.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Randomize
