Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
