OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Randomize
