My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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