sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
