plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
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