I skipped work to stalk him.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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