It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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