hotel room ftw
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
my poor anus
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
