After last night, I could never be a politician.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
