Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Randomize
