she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
