There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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