The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
