1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Randomize
