Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
