im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
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