listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
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