you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
