The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Randomize
