I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
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