I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Randomize
