Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
