we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
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