Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
