dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
