I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
