yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
