Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
