there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
