omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
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