You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Randomize
