I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
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