I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Randomize
