the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
