life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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