I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
