Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
