Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
