so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
