So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Randomize
